So much has happened since I last updated my blog. Our
world has been turned upside down in so many ways. God has shown himself even
in the seeming silence. Time truly is a healer. I think about the words to one
of Mercy Me’s songs on The Hurt and the Healer album. It says, “I’m alive, even
though a part of me has died. Take my heart and bring it back to life.” These
words sum up our journey since we lost Isabella in 2010. We hear from other
people that when you have a loss part of you dies. The people around you expect
you to move on and get over the loss but they just don’t understand that part
of you has died. That part does not come back. They say time is a healer and it
is true and I think it is true because it allows you to figure out a way to live
without that piece of you. God has been there bringing our hearts back to life.
I
remember the morning Isabella was born and as reality set in that we had just
lost a child I said to Gladys, “I don’t want to do this again.” What I meant
and what she knew I meant was that I did not want to have any more children.
The pain was just too great to even think about having more. For the most part,
that part of me never really changed. I never really wanted to have any more
after losing Isabella. Gladys felt this way initially but after a few months
she began having that desire again, but we knew we needed a lot of time if we
would ever take that chance again.
As
the days went on the darkness in our home just seemed to grow darker and it felt
like things were going to be dark forever. Days turned into months. My blogs
reflect the journey through that darkness. The hardest part of being in such
darkness is not being able to see the light that is really there in God. The
silence was just deafening. It’s hard to explain. Our world seemed to unravel.
My love for the band I was in just began to fade. I tried desperately to find a
new job. I wanted out of the church God had put me in. I wanted change and I
tried to make it happen. But nothing seemed to break through the darkness. The
team I worked for was swallowed up by another team and I felt like my work
environment was falling apart. My home life seemed to be a never ending up and
down with my children and with my wife. I resigned my position as the Single’s
minister at church to focus on my family, but beyond that I just didn’t want to
do it anymore. I wanted out of all that had been normal before Isabella came.
With
time I began to just accept that life was different and when and if God wanted
a change he would bring it. But my misery culminated in my last blog when I
lashed out on the people in my life. I just wanted to escape my life. I had to
make some real repair attempts after my last blog and some were not completely
successful. But that was a low point for me and I just wanted to escape all of
the pain. I quit the band I was in and just accepted that my life was going to
be depressing.
But
as I was reaching my low point – light was breaking through the darkness. What
I thought I did not want was actually being given to us again. A new life was
placed inside of Gladys and we were expecting again. I thought I was done, but
God had other plans. The gift that was given to us in this pregnancy was the
light to help start breaking some of the darkness. But there was still a lot of
fear. We only got through it because we just had to surrender completely to God
and know that only he could actually provide the healing and strength we needed
to get through another birth.
Amazingly,
other things began to fall into place. I gave up on ever being able to do much
with music after quitting the band. Then, out of nowhere a new opportunity
appeared at church. They wanted to change the music program and they needed an
additional worship leader to share responsibilities for leading worship and
bring a new flare. I was leading worship in a fairly large church and love
doing it. It has helped boost my confidence in the gifts God has equipped me
with, gifts I was beginning to give up on. Then we welcomed the birth of Joseph
Elias in March (Joseph means the Lord will increase and Elias means the Lord God
is my God). It was a flawless birth and different in every way imaginable. Even
Joseph was different. He is our only red-headed baby. He was like a little Esau
when he came out, red and hairy, everywhere. Light broke through the darkness.
One week after going back to work a new job presented itself to me without any
effort on my end. I interviewed and then went on about my life not expecting
anything. Then another job was placed in my lap out of nowhere. I was reluctant
to even consider this job because it wasn’t what I was looking for but had a
lot of promise. In the end I had one offer and another area trying to recruit
me all at the same time. After months of searching and interviewing and getting
rejection after rejection only a year ago, I actually had to decide which job I
wanted to take. This doesn’t just happen in today’s economy. I don’t say this
to brag at all. It is God who broke through the darkness for me. In letting go
of all I was holding on to, God moved and gave me things in such a way that
only he can get the glory. Here I am a guy with only Bible degrees working as a
Database Consultant for one of the largest health insurance companies in
America. That is God to say the least.
It
is not that I needed all of these things to be happy, but my ego had taken a
beating. I was feeling like a complete failure in every area of my life and God
broke through the darkness in all of the areas that I needed encouragement in.
But the greatest of all is seeing the beautiful happy boy that we have in Joseph.
He is a gift like nothing else. His personality will melt your heart the moment
you meet him. He is an image bearer of the God who gives and takes away life.
Life is good but it is also painful. Since my brain works in a more artistic
manner I decided I needed to do a tribute to the faithfulness of God. I have
made a memorial video for this memorial day of my beautiful baby girl Isabella Grace
who is now with her King. At the same time I added the beauty of the gift God
gave us in Joseph Elias after our loss. This video is a tribute to Isabella,
Joseph and most of all to my faithful God. You can find it on YouTube and I
have linked it to this blog post. Love and miss you Isabella, Daddy.
Faithful God Tribute with Healing is in Your Hand
